Official Republican Convention Speaking Schedule
Keynote Speaker: Gary Busey
Theme: Hot Chicks I Can Do Because I'm Really, Really Rich
Melania (did and do)
Tia Tequila (did)
Teresa Giudice (did)
Natalie Gulbis (doing, shhh)
Katrina Pierson (did backdoor, baby)
Omarosa (like you didn't know)
Azealia Banks (later tonight)
Kirstie Alley (did before she got old and fat)
Ivana (before she got old and ugly)
Ivanka (I'll never tell)
Special Guest: Ann Coulter
Music by Loretta Lynn
Theme: Politicians That I Own Because I'm Really, Really Rich
Mitchie Mitch McConnell
Paul "Guns 'n Gums" Ryan
Lyin' Ted Cruz
Newtie Noot Gingrich
Rick "Bat Boy" Scott
Tom "Douchecanoe" Cotton
That Jackass I Wish I Hadn't Picked As My VP
Special Guest: The Pig Castrating Chick
Music by Wayne Newton
Theme: Great Tough Guys Who Are So Really Tough and Really Great
Special Guest: Vladimir Putin
Music by Kid Rock
My Jew Son-In-Law
Cast of Duck Dynasty
Scott Baio (nominating speech)
Me! Me, me, me, me, ME!
Special Guest: Me!
Music by Ted Nugent
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